


(Happiness Is) Alight Upon You

by atriums



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Implied PIV sex, Implied past transphobia, M/M, Oral Sex, Rimming, Transgender Luhan, Transgender character exploring his body and sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-16 12:03:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21507646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atriums/pseuds/atriums
Summary: Luhan hates his body, hates that it has betrayed him, and turns to music to be his only comfort. Enter Jongin, who has an insatiable curiosity and impeccable timing. Together they figure out each other and how to be themselves in the midst of the bustling Korean entertainment industry. (Long author's note inside, PLEASE read it!)
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Lu Han
Kudos: 16





	(Happiness Is) Alight Upon You

**Author's Note:**

> This was written... _years_ ago as part of the exok_ink exchange on LiveJournal. One of the prompts was “trans!member with male member (i'm sorry i really don't know how to explain this further)”, so I chose to take it literally in an era where fics featuring trans characters were virtually non-existent and the "X suddenly wakes up as a woman and has to fuck to become a man again" trope was at its height. 
> 
> I reached out to a very close friend of mine (who is now my roommate!) and asked him if he didn't mind beta reading this fic for a fandom he's never been in, and if he didn't mind helping me to properly capture the experiences of a transman and get an idea for what his perspective might look like. I saw an opportunity to bring awareness to transgender people and sought to write a fic to normalize transgender experiences with this fic. Thank you J for not only 11 years of friendship, but also for volunteering information and then letting me ask personal questions and being all too happy to answer them. Again, **this fic has been beta/sensitivity read by a transman and is heavily based upon his personal testimony—with his consent.** Another shoutout to H for also beta reading this just to make sure I didn't abuse the commas too heavily.
> 
> That being said **the focus of this fic is sex.** When this was originally posted to LJ some, what, 5 or 6 years ago, it was flamed for being fetishistic because it was written for a kink fest. Maybe it is, and I'm not going to allow my roommate's approval of this to dictate that it isn't. I'm just tired of being ashamed of this and pretending that I never wrote it. I'm not in the Kpop fandom much anymore, and in the time since this was written, I've seen my current fandoms grow very positive and welcoming towards transgender characters in various forms of expression.
> 
> I'd like to think that maybe I wasn't in a fandom that was prepared to handle this, and I hope that in these past few years we've had plenty of time to grow more knowledgeable and accepting. Trans people are people too, and they have experiences both in and out of relationships like everyone else.
> 
> Or maybe this is still fetishistic garbage and I'm going to be flamed yet again, and there's still something to be learned from this that I haven't quite figured out yet. At least this time I'm not going to hide from it, and this time I will learn.
> 
> As of November 2019, there has been minor editing to this post that includes fixing some grammatical errors and minor rewriting of very tiny parts here and there. That being said, there are some references to female genitalia here that may be triggering. **Please avoid this fic if you have any doubts!** Take care of yourself, bbs. ♥

_Don't look, don't look, don't—_

A breathless laugh sounds from beside him, and Luhan peeks out from the corner of his eyes at Junmyeon. He sees the needle in his hands and his eyes slam shut, body going tense. The air in the room is pleasantly warm but apprehension has his skin bubbling in gooseflesh.

Junmyeon’s hands settle on Luhan’s bare thigh, and he smells the pungent isopropyl alcohol of the sterile pad before he feels it, cold and wet against the skin of his thigh. Junmyeon doesn’t make a sound as he works, but if Luhan holds his breath and concentrates, he can hear the tell-tale signs and feels himself stringing tight like a bow again.

“Relax,” Junmyeon cooes, palm warm against the outside of Luhan’s thigh. He means to soothe the riled, rambunctious man but practice and repetition have proven that it does not quite work as well as both of them hope. Luhan’s fear of needles is deeply coded into his lizard brain for him to ever fathom something like _relax._

So Junmyeon counts to three and goes for it, expertly pressing the needle into the supple flesh of Luhan’s thigh, thumb propelling the T injection forward into Luhan’s body. Junmyeon has been doing this long enough that he’s an expert and it doesn’t hurt, and before Luhan knows it, it’s already over. Junmyeon laughs at him again and cleans over the wound, putting a cute little Hello Kitty band-aid over it.

“Five years and you’re still afraid of the needle,” Junmyeon muses as he makes to properly dispose of all utensils. He has a bright red, plastic biohazard wastebin that requires a key to open where he drops the needle and the cap, then throws his gloves in a nearby wastebasket. Luhan pulls his pants back up while Junmyeon takes care of the paraphernalia, habitually rubbing over the spot on his thigh before pulling down the edge of his basketball shorts.

Five years and Luhan still feels his blood run cold with fear at the sight of needles. Five, long years of hormone replacement therapy, of getting injected in the thigh every two weeks, and he still cringes and can’t bear to watch without feeling the need to run screaming at the top of his lungs.

At least Junmyeon is there for him, Luhan is forever thankful to his leader for taking care of him. At first it was something tasked upon him by Lee Soo Man himself, but over the years of being together as part of EXO has shown that Junmyeon was the best choice as the group’s leader, because taking care of the members comes so naturally to him even if it means he has to give Luhan testosterone injections because he’s too terrified to do it himself.

The only thing that sucks is that when Luhan is in China, Junmyeon can't follow him there and Kris is just as terrified of needles as Luhan is, maybe even more. Instead they have a cute medic named Shu who takes over the responsibility, a spirited little thing that talks Luhan's ear off about her girlfriend and has somehow become a sister to him.

Luhan smiles to himself as he remembers the day he met Junmyeon, the day he was pulled from vocal practice to speak with Lee Soo Man in his office. Luhan’s anxiety was wild and a constant pulse under the skin then, and he hadn’t even been with SM Entertainment for a week when it happened. Terror held him by the throat as he slipped inside and waited, and he was so riled up, so close to having a panic attack that the company president called Junmyeon and asked him to grab Luhan a snack and a drink before he arrived.

“We take care of our own,” Lee Soo Man had vowed to Luhan in front of Junmyeon, who was not attractive in his physical appearance, but rather in the way he wore his kindness and compassion for others on his sleeve.

“Thank you,” Luhan manages to say with the typical impish curve to his mouth, watching as Junmyeon puts everything away in an old leather suitcase he hides under his bed. Junmyeon is not the only person in his room, and both he and Luhan agreed it’s none of the other members’ business so they don’t need to know.

The only other member that knows is Kris, the kind-hearted leader of M that has always been selfless, always giving. Kris, who grew up in Canada and has with him a quiet sense of pride, had made sure each member was okay with the fact he was gay, and he had also added on that if anyone struggled with anything, that he would be there for them even as just an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

Though the group knew for a while that EXO was meant to be split into two subgroups, it had taken some time before Kris' position as the leader of the group was cemented. He was good with sports, good as a rapper, and had a talent for languages, and Luhan supposed that made him the most obvious choice, but at the time the final line-up was still being decided.

It took Luhan a week before he barged into Kris’ dorm room, thankful to find him alone. His hands were shaking and his throat was tight and dry and his head did a funny little thing where it floated off his shoulders, each one of them a telling wave of anxiety. All Luhan had to do was take one look at Kris before he broke down, sobbing, and told him everything. If anyone could understand Luhan the most, it would be Kris. And Kris did understand, he has always been good at that, and he knew at first Luhan just needed someone to listen to his insecurities and his anxieties that he was too afraid to tell Junmyeon. It had taken months for Luhan to tell Junmyeon much of anything, because he feared Junmyeon was just doing it because it was his duty as the leader. Luhan didn’t wish to burden him.

Now, Luhan tells Junmyeon a lot of things but he tells Kris everything. Or, well, as much as he can without over-sharing. He doesn’t want to creep Kris out or anything, even if the other just laughs at him—a full bodied, throw-your-head-back laugh—and says that it would be very difficult to do so.

Luhan considers himself lucky, and he is thankful for every last second of each moment.

+

Luhan has been proclaiming that he is a boy for as long as he can remember. There were times as a child that his father had back-handed him for being ridiculous as a small child, and as Luhan neared his teenage years, had taken to calling him a sissy to remind him that he wasn’t a real boy. Mama Lu, on the other hand, has been nothing short of supportive and always let Luhan keep his cousin’s hand-me-downs if they were still fit to be worn. At one point Luhan was certain his mother had been just as discomfited by her four-year-old’s behavior, but after the incident when he tried to flush a mauve sundress down the toilet, she did her best to support him.

His parents have fought over him for the longest time, and there was even a time when they had separated with the intent to divorce because his father had put his foot down when Luhan’s therapist approved him for hormone replacement therapy.

Though his parents are back together now, and his father is trying really hard, the separation, the argument, and every time Luhan has ever been called a sissy has left festering wounds along his heart and an irreparable rift between the two of them. They dance awkwardly around each other whenever Luhan visits; sometimes they don’t even say a single word to each other. At least his parents are still in love and they’re not arguing anymore and his father isn’t insulting him and insisting he’s just confused.

In the end, the struggle has been well worth it.

Luhan has also had a lot of time to come to terms with everything.

Back when his anxiety was at its peak, when he was just fifteen years old and curled up in bed suffering from period cramps, when he thought he was fighting an uphill battle and that there was something really wrong with him, the moments he held steak knives pilfered from the kitchen to his skin and seriously contemplated ending his life, ending his suffering…

Back then, he hated himself. He hated everything about his body and the constant dysphoria. He had yearned for the familiarity of a weight between his legs, yearned for the silly things others took for granted. He wanted to be able to experience the embarrassment of public erections, to experience the nocturnal emissions. But instead all he had was the stickiness between his thighs that made him feel gross and ashamed in the worst of ways.

But Luhan had years to himself, years of therapy and years of hormones to figure himself out. Just after his eighteenth birthday his mother surprised him with the opportunity to get top surgery, which he quickly seized tight within his grasp. Though his breasts had been small, A cups, it was nice to be able to look in the mirror and see a flat chest with small nipples, not the gentle swell from before. His scars have faded nicely over the years, too.

In those years, Luhan had enough time to figure things out. He wished he could have a penis, wished he could stroke himself when he got hard, and wished even for the little things like pulling back foreskin, but he has had enough time to come to terms with the fact the penis granted to him by T isn’t quite that, but it’s still his.

Bottom surgery terrifies Luhan. He doubts and he fears and he swallows anxiety, and though he wants, he accepts that it may not be worth it.

By the age of 21, Luhan has had enough time to figure himself out. To figure life out.

Sometimes, boys have a vulva, and Luhan has had enough time to become okay with that. Most of the time.

+

Ever since starting T five years ago, Luhan has noticed his libido tends to be off the walls. His thighs are sensitive, and so is his chest and his ears and, well, sometimes he thinks even a stiff breeze turns him on. It’s inconvenient and embarrassing, and as his body begins filling out in all the ways it should have years ago, it feels a little bit more like the puberty he _should_ have had as a teenager. Sometimes he can get away with pressing his thighs together and willing the urge away, but other times—if he has a couple of minutes to spare—he’ll hide in the bathroom and slip his fingers down his pants and tug hard at his T-dick until he comes. All it takes is thirty seconds when he's wound up, and after washing his hands he's good to get back to what he was doing before. 

Really, Luhan should have known he’d get himself in trouble like that one day.

+

Luhan shares a dorm room with Jongin, Jongin who is young and awkward and dedicated and beautiful when he’s covered in sweat from a late night in the practice room. It isn’t often that Jongin is in their shared room other than to crawl into bed and sleep, but there are times when he has injured himself and he hesitantly requests Luhan’s assistance with the small things. Jongin is young and full of life, and when he smiles it’s bright and lovely and Luhan thinks it’s beautiful the way his eyes curve into crescents when he’s really happy. Jongin doesn't know it, but there have been nights that Luhan has hit rock bottom and on those nights, Jongin had smiled and laughed and talked to him—had held him close and chased away all of the lingering spectres of his nightmares.

Luhan’s crush on his roommate isn't something he's proud of. He's seen Jongin early in the morning, eyes squinty with the last vestiges of sleep and face swollen and lines of drool staining his pillow. He's seen Jongin with messy hair, messy everything and even the awkward morning wood that had done nothing more than make him fumble in embarrassment and curse at himself.

Lazy days are a rare thing for Jongin but some days even he doesn’t want to get out of bed, and he’ll lounge around in a tank top and boxers until he absolutely has to jump into the shower. He's rough around the edges, but he's happy and comfortable and Luhan envies it just as much as he finds himself endeared by it. He yearns to be as comfortable as Jongin is in his own skin, to be comfortable _with_ Jongin, but these are thoughts and feelings he’s kept to himself. Luhan only dares to let them out when Jongin is gone, maybe out with a few members or back home to see his family for a couple of days.

It is during those moments that Luhan lets out both his frustrations and his affections little by little, and it works, keeps him at a comfortable setting, but he has never been as wound up before as he is now. He can’t even fathom why, just that he needs and needs and he’s looking for the most pathetic excuses to kick Jongin out of the room so he can rub one out.

Though desire is familiar to him, but the sudden intensity with which it is rapidly consuming him is not. The second Jongin leaves, the tail end of his voice echoing in the sudden emptiness and vastness of the room, Luhan gives in. His hands slip underneath the line of his pants, beneath his underwear, and he tugs at his T-dick until his breath hitches and his body floods with warmth, body thrumming pleasantly.

It’s somehow not enough.

Luhan contemplates for a moment too long before he’s reaching in his nightstand for a bottle of lube and slicking his fingers up to slip inside himself. It’s wet and it’s wonderful, one into two, and he throws his head back, legs spread wide as he finger fucks himself. Luhan likes to close his eyes and imagine things are happening differently than reality, that he only has one hole and it’s _that_ one he’s knuckle deep in. He bites down hard on his lip, strains to keep himself quiet above the sounds of slick and labored breathing but he can’t help the quiet whimpers, the soft mewls that press past his teeth-worried lips, the wet gasps as pleasure ebbs and flows steadily through him.

Luhan goes tight with his orgasm, hips jerking as the white hot heat overwhelms him. He basks in the afterglow for a minute, maybe two, before he meanders into the bathroom to pee, cleans up the mess between his legs, and washes his hands. There’s a period afterwards, sometimes, when he looks down at himself and is so shocked to take in the bittersweet reality that his stomach sours. Luhan has worked hard with his therapist to work past that feeling, swallowing down the bitterness. He focuses on the feeling of buttery, melted warmth in his bones and closes his mind to the dysphoria.

When Luhan exits the bathroom, the door to their dorm opens and Jongin peeks in hesitantly. His bronzed skin is flush and he keeps his head low as he grabs a hat he’d forgotten. In those precious few seconds, Luhan’s stomach sinks and _he knows, Jongin knows_.

Later that night, after the day has lulled them into a pleasant exhaustion in preparation for sleep, Jongin sits in his bed with a look on his face Luhan can’t quite place. He opts to keep mum, especially about Jongin having heard him jerk off hours ago. Maybe by tomorrow they can both pretend nothing had ever happened and return to their regularly scheduled programming.

Jongin breaks the silence right as the lights go out. “Hey, Luhan?” His voice is soft and shy with his inquiry.

Luhan swallows back the feeling bubbling up in his throat. “Yeah?” he hums. Maybe if he’s lucky, Jongin will only suggest maybe putting a sock on the door handle like they do in the American movies.

Jongin inhales. “You know you can...come to me for anything, right?” He shifts in bed.

Luhan takes a long moment to process those words. Hope soars in his chest, but he tamps down on it and counts to ten. He couldn’t be so lucky, not with the hand this life has dealt him. Erring on the side of caution, he replies, “Thank you, Jongin. I appreciate it.”

Jongin makes a sound, and he sits up in bed. “No, I mean—” He cuts himself off with a sigh. “I mean—we’re friends, right? You can come to me for _anything_. Even if… even if you just want me to help you. Help you feel good.”

 _Oh my god,_ Luhan wants to scream. His body warms with both embarrassment and heat at the clear implication. He clears his throat as he presses his thighs together and burns. “Do you—do you want to?” he asks hesitantly.

”Do you trust me?” Jongin returns. “I trust you.”

”I trust you,” Luhan answers automatically.

Jongin moves again and it sounds like he’s pushing his bedsheets back. “Can I?” His shadow sits up tall on his bed, and Luhan burns even brighter with heat. “Come to you?”

Luhan speaks before he’s even aware of what’s coming out of his mouth—“Please.”—because if this is a dream, he doesn’t want to wake up. He wants to take his time and enjoy every second of this, even if it’s just the darkness of their room that knows. The bed dips with Jongin’s weight as he tests it, knee first and then he crawls on top of Luhan with a controlled eagerness. Luhan shifts beneath him and his thighs are slick with want.

It’s that moment right there that cold water floods his veins. Luhan goes stiff, and he starts and stops. Jongin is beautiful, and he wants this, wants _him_ so bad it hurts. He’s throbbing between his legs, but what if… what if... 

“Wait.” Luhan grabs Jongin’s hand as it settles on his thigh. “If we,” he pauses to lick his too dry lips, “If we do this, you should know that I’m...different.” 

There’s enough light in the room for Luhan to notice that Jongin has tilted his head to the side. Instead of explaining with words, he leads Jongin’s hand to the space between his legs. Lets him press down and feel exactly what Luhan means by _different._

Jongin leaves his hand there, lingering. The light pressure feels so damn good already. “Oh,” Jongin utters. “That’s okay. That’s good.”

Relief escapes Luhan, and he relaxes beneath Jongin. Now that he can surrender himself to the moment, to Jongin’s light touching, his skin tingles. Jongin is like a furnace above him, and together they struggle to kick Luhan’s blankets down to the foot of the bed. Jongin hovers, omnipresent and yet not.

“Can I kiss you?” Jongin asks, the heat of his breath fanning out along Luhan’s cheek. Luhan’s mouth waters.

“Please,” Luhan echoes himself, and is swept away by the first touch of their mouths. It’s soft and warm, lips lightly chapped, and Luhan is a parched man lost in the desert drinking in a whole oasis. He’s yearned for Jongin for months now, whispered his name one too many times in the throes of bliss, and those tentative fantasies have nothing on this.

Jongin shifts again, and his hips settle down and roll into Luhan, his head jerking back as a strangled gasp rips from his lungs. Jongin closes the distance between their mouths and presses against Luhan again and again and again. The delicious spark of pleasure zings through him from his scalp to the tips of his toes, entire body electrified. And they haven’t even properly begun yet.

“Jongin—”

“I just want to make you feel good,” Jongin whispers, voice dark and gruff against the shell of Luhan’s ear. His hips press down hard on a particularly rough grind, leaving Luhan to whimper and splutter incoherently as he feels Jongin, hard and thick against him.

“Please…!”

“Please what?”

Jongin is taunting him, mouth rubbing against the smooth curve of Luhan’s jawline. The cloud of lust and want and _morepleasemore_ is so thick permeating his mind that he can’t think of anything else other than the electricity dancing on his skin, of the sparks of pleasure where their bodies meet, of the way his belly fills with warmth.

Jongin grinds against him one more time, tongue coming out to lick a thick stripe up the column of his throat. He blows on it, the cool air prickling his skin. Luhan trembles, eyes fluttering open as Jongin scoots down between Luhan’s spread legs, his face burning with embarrassment when it becomes obvious what Jongin’s intent is.

“No, you don’t—” He stops mid-sentence, unable to force the words out when he wants this so fucking much.

“Do you want me to?” Jongin asks, hand settling on Luhan’s thigh. In the fog of the moment there is clarity as Jongin seeks permission, where he surrenders control of the moment entirely to Luhan. There’s something about the way Jongin says it, though, the way he looks at Luhan and the way his thumb brushes against the soft skin. He seeks to set boundaries, to see if Luhan is comfortable, and he can only nod through the dizzying haze. Maybe this will be his downfall later, but Luhan is so wet between his legs and each pulse of arousal brings with it a dizzying wave of need this, want this so strong he consents far too quickly. The muscles of his thighs relax as Jongin smiles, large hands filling him with want and warmth as he eases Luhan’s legs wider at his sides.

"Oh, Han," Jongin croons reverently. “Thank you.” His voice is so soft, so affectionate as he takes in the sight of his roommate beautiful and flushed and _human_ beneath him, that Luhan melts with a sigh. He reaches over to turn on the light next to his bed and sets a pillow beneath his head so he can watch Jongin without getting a crick in his neck. He wants to be here for this, for them. Wants to see everything. Then, he’ll switch positions and return the favor.

If anyone had told Luhan he'd be in bed with Jongin between his legs he would have called them a liar, but now that it's happening it still seems so surreal. Jongin touches him slowly, pressing heat and electricity against Luhan as his hands press against the softness of his stomach, into the slick mess between his legs. Luhan breath catches in his throat as Jongin’s fingers press against him, rubbing against him, but not pressing into him, like he’s testing the waters and listening carefully. Luhan whimpers a garbled plea, hips gyrating toward the teasing press.

Jongin spreads Luhan open before he leans over, hot breath fanning over him the only warning before the first lick presses against him, just under the head of his T-dick. Luhan’s entire body shakes with pleasure and he can't help the sound that spills forth from his bruised and bitten mouth. Jongin licks at him again, deep and slow and in a way that steals the very air from Luhan’s lungs as his hips jerk and roll toward him. Jongin tests the waters as he mouths at Luhan’s length, learning his body and what makes him tick. He seals his lips over Luhan’s T-dick and sucks and licks, almost smiling at the way Luhan screams and shakes with pleasure. He goes tense, hands grappling at Jongin’s shoulders to stabilize himself, to give him that one grip to reality that he needs before he loses himself completely in their carnal endeavor before it's even begun.

Luhan has never known pleasure like this before. He has only known himself and the shape of his own fingers in quiet moments of desperation and need, but yet here he is with Jongin getting eaten out. It's obvious in the way Jongin is tentative as his tongue swipes against Luhan, the way his mouth presses against him, gentle at first but increasing in pressure whenever Luhan cries out, that Jongin may be just as inexperienced. It's his enthusiasm and his attentiveness to Luhan and his reactions that makes it as wonderful as it is, and Luhan’s orgasm crawls up on him before he's even ready for it. It starts off slow in his abdomen, fingers twisting and curling in the darkness of Jongin’s hair, but it's sudden when the pleasure erupts like a geyser and reaches the tips of his extremities.

"Damn," Jongin breathes out, eyes wide with a muted surprise that is shrouded by the lust in his gaze. He licks at his plush, reddened and swollen mouth and wipes a hand over his mouth.

Luhan melts into the bedsheets as the pleasant after burn sinks into his skin and the haze of lust clears from his mind. He feels the wetness between his legs staining the comforter and flushes at how he's going to have to wash them and hopes that no one will notice or question why.

Except Jongin.

Eyes snapping wide open, Luhan jerks up and stares his roommate in his pathetically aroused face. He sees the shock and confusion on Luhan’s face and leans in to kiss him.

"I’ve never done that before. With anyone," he whispers as he licks at his swollen mouth. The very same mouth that had brought Luhan to orgasm moments before. He’s not going to be able to look at Jongin without remembering this moment.

“Me neither,” Luhan admits. Then he taps Jongin’s leg and switches so he’s on top, fingers dipping beneath the hem of his sweatpants. Jongin’s cock is swollen and obvious, and the need to see him possesses Luhan so fiercely he’s almost stunned. “Can I see you?” At Jongin’s nod, Luhan pulls his waistband down until it’s snug beneath the weight of Jongin’s heavy sac. He takes a good, long look at Jongin’s cock, starting from the nesting of dark curls at the root and then presing the tips of his fingers into the dampness at his slit.

Outside of pictures and porn, Luhan’s never seen a cock before and he can't help but be a little enamored by it. He bites his lower lip and lets his fingers curl loosely around its girth. God, it’s so beautiful. He's so hard and thick but the skin is so, so soft, like the underside of his forearm, and he loves the shade of red, almost purple, it's flushed. Luhan wants to take some time to explore him but the thought that Jongin is desperate to come makes him stop, spitting down into his palm before he makes a fist around him. Jongin makes a startling growl low in his throat, a sound that Luhan thinks is really fucking hot, as he slides his fist up and down his cock. Jongin’s eyes flutter as he moans, a small spurt of precome helping to make the glide easier.

Jongin curses and Luhan smiles. He is proud that he can please Jongin, proud that he can make him come undone just like this. Luhan wonders if Jongin will let him see and touch him again and again and again. Maybe it's just a one time mutual need; maybe it can be something more.

Luhan definitely wants something more.

Jongin starts whimpering, face flushed and eyes closed as his orgasm creeps on him. Luhan can tell from just those signs alone, but he appreciates the sight of his balls drawing tight. Appreciates the way Jongin leans against him and gasps wetly about how close he is, about how good Luhan makes him feel when he twists his wrist and pulls, gently at first, but a little more firm when Jongin reacts well. He spills seconds later with another one of those chest growls, face buried in Luhan’s shoulder with a hint of teeth as his spunk paints across Luhan’s belly.

Jongin takes a few moments to catch his breath and let his heart rate calm before he pulls back to look at Luhan with a certain fondness in his gaze that makes Luhan’s insides flip-flop.

+

It takes days for Luhan to rip open his chest and spill his heart on the floor for Jongin. Awkward confessions and long philosophical discussions later, Luhan and Jongin fall into a semblance of a relationship that Luhan isn't certain of, given how busy their workload has become and how little personal time they get. Trips back and forth from Korea to China leave Luhan feeling bereft, deprived of the sweet moments when Jongin wakes Luhan in the morning with a kiss when they're truly alone and not being harangued that they need to do this, this, and that. It's nice, it really is. Jongin even asks to follow Junmyeon and Luhan when it's time for the next injection, holding Luhan’s hand and letting him bury his face in his shoulder as the needle pierces his skin. He's curious and attentive where Luhan is awkward and insecure, and of all the things in his life, Luhan wonders how he got lucky enough to have Jongin the most.

Promotions settle down to where they get a couple hours of alone time to unwind each night now, and Luhan and Jongin’s spend that time getting to know each other in the comfort and silence of their room.

"I guess the word for me is pansexual," Jongin murmurs, not needing to talk any louder with Luhan pressed against him in bed. Cuddling, they both have discovered, is something they both enjoy. “It’s...something I’ve thought about before, I’ll be honest,” he admits. “But I really just think the human body is beautiful no matter what shape it comes in.”

"You think my body is beautiful?" Luhan blurts, turning to meet Jongin’s gaze.

"The most beautiful." Jongin grins, interlocking their fingers together.

Luhan flushes with warmth and smiles. Jongin makes him feel lovely and beautiful and wanted. 

Jongin resists the urge to kiss him as his visage softens into a smile. This Luhan, while different from the facade of the impudent brat he tends to hide behind, is just as endearing and precious if not more.

“Every part of you is beautiful,” Jongin starts, “even down to your scars. Especially your scars. It tells who you are and where you’ve been and those stories are the best ones.”

Luhan’s heart soars in his chest, and is so full of affection for the man in front of him that he kisses him and kisses him until there's no more air in his lungs, until their bodies are moving together in a slow grind. Luhan doesn't want to think that this warmth flooding his entire being from his chest is love, doesn't want to think he'd give Jongin that kind of power over him so soon, but he doesn't know what this unhurried feeling flooding his veins is. It just feels nice, like this with Jongin.

Jongin knows what to say and when to say it, he always has and Luhan is so, so grateful for him that he decides to show him by sliding down between his legs. Jongin is surprised, but far too eager to shove his dick in Luhan’s mouth. Luhan won't say it out loud (except maybe to Kris) but he likes how inexperienced they both are even if it makes for awkward laughter and sloppy, far too eager blow jobs. Luhan makes a mess of himself around Jongin’s cock and almost bites him when he's accidentally gagged, but he loves it too much to stop even when his jaw hurts and his eyes burn from tears and smeared makeup he has yet to remove. Jongin is honest and tells Luhan when he likes something, and he really likes how wrecked Luhan looks with his makeup bleeding everywhere and a cock in his mouth.

Luhan likes the praise. He likes being able to give pleasure to Jongin like this, suckling one ball into his mouth to roll his tongue over. Jongin really likes that, too.

Luhan is surprised when Jongin busts unexpectedly in his mouth—followed by embarrassed cries of "Sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!"—and Luhan swallows out of confusion of not knowing what else to do with a mouthful of come. He makes a face and Jongin apologizes again, the burn of embarrassment settling dark in his cheeks.

Luhan is much more reticent about his pleasure when Jongin insists on returning the favor, unsure of how to explain that he wanted to try something different. He wants to try something that will make him feel a little bit more like a real man. The terribly wonderful thing about Jongin is that either they think the same things, or he just knows what Luhan wants. He helps Luhan roll over onto his stomach, a pillow underneath him to prop his ass in the air as Jongin spreads him open and laves attention on the cute little pucker with a boyish enthusiasm. It's just as sloppy and messy as Luhan’s blow job was and Luhan fucking loves the feeling of Jongin’s tongue digging into his ass, of the saliva dripping everywhere until it's one big mess. The heat burning through his veins is familiar and different at the same time, pooling in his abdomen and damn near snapping when Jongin slowly slides one finger inside of him.

Luhan has never done this before with himself, and it's so different but no less pleasurable. He feels how tight he is, feels how just one finger inside his ass has this effect on its own. His toes curl and he cries out a hymn of appreciation, hips rolling as Jongin fucks him slowly with one finger. A second one presses at him as Jongin spits again, and there's already so much pressure, he's already so tight and so close that Luhan comes with an embarrassingly loud moan smothered into another pillow.

They go back to cuddling under the blankets, indulgent smiles on their faces as they bask in the afterglow of their orgasms. Luhan’s stomach drops at the same time his heart leaps when he thinks he might be falling too fast and too hard for one Kim Jongin.

+

Over the next few days they don't get as much alone time as they would like, the whole of the group saddled with an advertising promotion. Luhan’s frustration builds and he no longer finds masturbating satisfactory enough to relief the pent-up frustrations—he yearns for Jongin and hates that they don't have time to do much more than kiss each other good morning and good night.

The filming lasts only a few days and things calm down just in time for Luhan’s next injection. Jongin holds his hand again and Junmyeon smiles, taking it upon himself to give Jongin a friendly warning that has Luhan sputtering as he vehemently proclaims that he is not a girl, thank you very much!

Jongin and Luhan go back to their room with wide, bright grins as they finally have some time to themselves. It's then that Luhan lets Jongin fuck him for the first time, lets him slide on a condom and fuck so deep into Luhan’s cunt that his head spins and he nearly passes out from the rush of ecstasy. He envies that Jongin has this, has a cock that can grow hard and can bring Luhan all of this wonderful pleasure, but he has long since resigned himself to this envy and is even a little bit okay with it. Sometimes. Besides, Jongin always seems to be aware of Luhan’s needs and promises him next time they can try anal since Luhan reacts so well to it already.

Next time, of course, ends up being several weeks later. Luhan’s doctor has begun pressing for a hysterectomy due to the discovery of ovarian cysts. It's not bad, the doctor promises, but it could be if they don't deal with it soon. With Luhan being one of the main vocalists of EXO, the company wants to milk him for all he's worth before he takes a hiatus from the group to have the surgery.

With lost time looming over their heads, Jongin and Luhan make their plans with meticulous, cautious intent. Luhan wants everything to be perfect because for him, this is his _real_ first time and it means the world to him. They’re both clumsy and uncertain again with each other, mapping out new territories and experiencing something completely foreign to them.

Eagerness makes Jongin’s movements sloppy and uncoordinated as he kisses Luhan fiercely, hands following the faint curve of Luhan’s waist and grabbing firmly at his rump. He squeezes and pulls Luhan tight to his body, eliciting a breathless chuckle as their teeth clack.

“You’re sure about this, right?” Jongin asks, brushing wispy curls from Luhan’s eyes as he directs them to the bed.

Luhan doesn’t respond, not verbally, but rather pulls Jongin down again to kiss him by his neck. Jongin laughs at how eager Luhan is to situate himself on their beds—they pushed them together earlier—and drag Jongin down with him.

Some of what they do is familiar, like the way their pelvises grind together and the friction through their clothes teases them, a heady prelude of the pleasures to come. Luhan is shameless in the way he enjoys how their bodies melt together like this, how he throws his head back and lets out a sharp, shuddering gasps as Jongin pushes the thickness of his cock against him again.

“Okay, okay—” Luhan pushes at Jongin’s chest enough to tug at his pants and pull them off. Jongin does the same until he’s naked, bringing his lithe boyfriend to his chest to pepper his mouth with kisses as their bodies burn where they touch. The most beautiful thing about Luhan is that he’s so sensitive, so needy, and it isn’t long before Jongin is brushing fingers through the dampness between his thighs.

Luhan makes a face and starts to protest, but Jongin kisses him until his mind is blank. “I just—I want to try something,” he mumbles, spreading slick with his fingers until he’s tracing the edge of Luhan’s hole.

“Oh—” Luhan gasps, hips undulating toward the barely-there pressure of Jongin’s fingertips. His whole body shudders with the echo of the memory of how amazing it was to be filled from there. Jongin’s fingers prod at him a little bit more, spreading the wetness until he can slip a finger in comfortably to the second knuckle with that alone.

It’s still just as tight a fit and Luhan feels every centimeter of it. “Fuck,” he moans heavily into Jongin’s mouth, too turned on to kiss him properly anymore.

It stays just like that for a while, the two of them naked and close together and a finger connecting them. It’s just one finger inside of him but his whole body is pulsing with arousal and he can feel how wet and swollen he is.

“You’re dripping,” Jongin tells him, and his voice is all different kinds of dark and sexy and _fuck_ Luhan really just wants to come. He might even be able to, just like this, with the high of anticipation carrying him along.

“G-grab the lube,” Luhan stutters through the haze of pleasure, want— _needing_ to feel all of Jongin in him.

Jongin complies, though it takes him several moments of fumbling awkwardly with his attention still on Luhan for the most part. He doesn’t want to miss a single second of this, wants to be able to see it all so he can commit it to memory. Something as precious as this would not see a single wasted second.

It isn’t long until Jongin has his fingers slick with lubricant as he spreads Luhan wide open, but not before helping settle his hips comfortably on a pillow. He has a beautiful view that makes his mouth water as he presses two fingers into Luhan’s ass this time, loving the way Luhan’s breath catches in his throat and his neck strains with his head thrown back. It’s so tight, so warm, and it’s lovely the way Luhan twists and writhes, pretty hands clutching at the bedspread or fingernails digging into his thighs. He quakes with each slide of fingers into him until Jongin is pressing the third one in, and it’s only then that Luhan shows any indication of discomfort with the way his face twists and the sharpness of his breath.

Jongin works him through it slowly and steadily, slinking down the entire length of his body with feather-light kisses and hints of tongue. He bites above Luhan’s hip bone and soothes the burn with his tongue, and Luhan jerks again with a low whimper.

“Jongin, please,” he begs, and Jongin makes the mistake of looking up at Luhan when the blood rushes from his head straight to his dick. His coherency follows shortly, too.

They’re both desperately needy by the time Jongin reaches for the condom and fumbles awkwardly trying to put it on and coat himself with lube, smothering Luhan’s breathy laughter with a fierce kiss that is all tongue and teeth and nervous whispers. Jongin settles on his knees between Luhan’s spread legs, coaxing them around his waist as he presses down and into Luhan.

“‘M gonna take care of you,” Jongin slurs, drunk on pleasure, as his cock slips inside of the magnificently tight wonderland that is Luhan’s body.

Beneath him, Luhan goes tight like a bow string, the veins in his neck and arm pulsing as his whole body trembles. He lets out the most beautiful sound Jongin has ever heard, an airy, high-pitched sort of mewl as he comes between them. “Oh—oh my— _fuck_!”

It takes Jongin by surprise, and he’d probably chuckle if his very life force wasn’t being squeezed out of his dick. Okay, so it clearly isn’t but that’s how Jongin feels about how tight Luhan gets around him, pulsing with each wave of his orgasm. It’s quite possibly the sexiest, filthiest thing he’s ever done and he will never forget it.

Luhan’s blind nails dig into Jongin’s shoulder blades as heat spreads through him, starting from his gut and going to the tips of his extremities. It’s one of the better orgasms he’s ever had, but he’s still strung out and needy and he wants Jongin to have his fill, too.

“Please fuck me,” Luhan moans, undulating his hips. He gasps when Jongin’s cock, thick and hard inside of him, slides out several centimeters. The feeling of that itself is glorious, but it is strange how bereft he suddenly feels and he doesn’t like that at all. He coaxes Jongin’s hips into a nice, strong rhythm of push and pull that has his body trembling with need again.

It’s the best Luhan has ever felt, a torrential squall of pleasure raining down on him that he doesn’t want to end. With each push into him, Luhan can feel himself going higher and higher until he doesn’t know anything else above the white noise in his skull. He forgets to breathe several times but Jongin doesn’t fail to remind him with each slick slide of their sweaty bodies together. Luhan has never felt so small in his life before, but he has never been happier about it either. He likes how Jongin is taller than him, bigger than him, and how easily he cages Luhan between his arms. The indescribable pleasure ebbs and flows through Luhan’s blood stream, intoxicating like drugs he’s been too afraid to try, and it isn’t long until he loses sight of where his body ends and Jongin’s begins.

Jongin’s orgasm is fast and all-consuming as a fire burns through him, decimating him until there’s nothing left. Luhan doesn’t say anything as Jongin stills, form juddering as he cries out his orgasm. There’s no disappointment, no snark, just beautiful fingers brushing sweat-damp hair from his forehead so they can look at each other and share the intensity of the moment.

“Fuck,” Jongin curses and disposes of the condom. “I didn’t mean to, Han—”

Luhan coos at him and halts all protests with a wet kiss. He’s so wound up and so, so fucking close but Jongin’s pleasure is just as important. “Just—your mouth—”

Jongin nods and they kiss one last time before he slides down Luhan’s body, between his spread legs. He kisses at the slickness of his inner thighs, readjusting Luhan’s hips to tilt further upward, before descending onto him with a hot tongue. Luhan is so slick, so wet down here, and the way his back arches and trembles—the way his voice goes so high it cracks—could have been enough to make Jongin hard again if he wasn’t already feeling the first wave of exhaustion wash over him.

Jongin sucks and licks at Luhan before he goes lower, fingers tracing the outer rim of his ass. His opening spasms, furling up tight before relaxing into a small gape that has his mouth watering. He licks at him hesitantly, tasting latex and lubricant—far from the most pleasant of things—but the way Luhan’s thighs go tense and shake gives him the motivation to go on. He spreads Luhan as wide open as he can, thumbs pressing into the curve of his ass. Luhan’s rim is swollen and tinted a deep red and he looks so well fucked that it makes him glow with pride as he spears his tongue into him again and again.

Luhan cries out again as his hips undulate in small circles. “Jongin, please,” he sobs. “I’m so close, so close. Use. Use your fingers. _Please._ ”

He sounds so broken that Jongin is hopeless to obey, replacing his tongue with two fingers. Luhan gurgles incoherently above him, hands clawing at his stomach because he doesn’t know what else to do with them. He’s so, so close that Jongin can even feel the way his ass flutters but he can’t quite finish yet—he just needs that one final push, a push that Jongin gives to him with a long lick from the rim of his ass to the top of his slit, tongue pressing insistently at Luhan’s T-dick.

Luhan screams then, so overwhelmed with pleasure that he can’t hold it back and comes in a trembling, quivering mess in Jongin’s arms. He’s quick to pull Luhan against him and hold him until the trembles ease, holding his hand through it.

“Shh, I’m here, I’ve got you…”

+

In the meantime, Luhan and Jongin get very good at quickies. Most of the time they're so wound up all it takes is those few precious minutes, a quick slip of pants down to knees and then they redress and are good to go. There isn’t nearly enough time for the careful preparation anal penetration requires, and that extra minute is what makes the difference between Jongin fucking Luhan’s thighs or his pussy.

Sometimes Luhan doesn't want to be fucked and insists on jerking in Jongin off before they go back to work. Jongin doesn't question it but the look on his face says everything in the moments when Luhan kisses him, a hand down his pants to tug him until he's done and then Luhan disappears with and coquettish smile. Those smiles, however, disappear beneath the press of of a dry palm and too much friction and not enough time. Jongin wants to be able to fuck Luhan, really fuck him, but after a while (and after a particularly embarrassing conversation with Kris) Jongin comes to the conclusion that Luhan is pulling away because it makes him feel too much like a girl.

Jongin could punch himself for not having thought of it sooner, for letting his own needs get in the way.

Luhan is not a girl, not in the very least, and Jongin knows just how he's going to make it up to him.

+

"Hey," Jongin murmurs as he sits beside Luhan. The members have gathered for a movie night and they're watching some big wig action movie that boasts a great cast and lots of guns, but Jongin really just wants to talk and cuddle with his boyfriend. "You doing okay?"

Luhan shrugs and tilts his head to the side, trying to appear demure and nonchalant. He's clearly bothered if the wry twist to his mouth is anything to go by, but Jongin doesn't know how to bring it up. Luhan deserves to have his space, but Jongin doesn't want whatever is bothering him to fester until it bleeds.

They haven't been intimate in over a week. It's not the lack of intimacy that bothers Jongin but rather the reason behind it and how Luhan has been holding him at arm's length. His beautiful, amazing boyfriend struggles so much to be able to be comfortable in his own skin; it's a struggle Jongin has witnessed from day one, and he wishes he could just kiss all of his agonies away. He can't imagine all of the pain and self-deprecation Luhan must feel because he was born in the wrong body.

Luhan’s silence is a cue that Jongin takes in stride as he focuses back on the movie, lips curling upward as he thinks of how he's going to cheer him up.

+

It takes some time for Jongin to get around to it. He's nervous and he wants this to be perfect, and he can't help the niggling suspicion in the back on his mind that somehow, he's going to fuck this up. He misses Luhan’s smile and his warmth, which, while not entirely absent, are the things Jongin loves most about him and it hurts when Luhan can't smile like he should.

Jongin waits until it's a quiet, lonely night in the dorms before he coaxes Luhan from his video game and into their room.

"I have a present for you," he says, and his confidence gives way to the apprehension pooling in his gut.

"Okay." Luhan smiles and links their fingers together. It’s a gesture that tells Jongin that Luhan isn’t mad, that he’s still very much into Jongin and that this distance between them can be fixed.

Though they're alone in the dorms, Jongin locks the room before he reaches under the bed and pulls out an inconspicuous black package from under his bed. He sets it in front of Luhan with a deep breath, relaxing onto the end of the bed with his teeth firmly pressed into his bottom lip.

"I know us being intimate like we were bothered you because it makes you feel like you’re losing your identity as a man, and I want you to know I'm sorry and I don't think of you as anything other than yourself. You're _Lu Han_ , singer, dancer, son and friend. I'm your boyfriend and I know your struggle, and I know it’s never been easy, but I want you to know that I love you as the man you are,” Jongin speaks slowly, softly, as he fingers the edge of the package. While he was uncertain at first, the way Luhan’s watery gaze rests upon him, fond and affectionate, Jongin feels more certain of what he’s doing.

“Love?” Luhan parrots, voice rife with emotion. He accepts the inconspicuously wrapped box from Jongin with his pretty fingers splayed across the top, fingers that Jongin has had a lot of fun biting and kissing and sucking on before. “You love me?”

Jongin’s face burns when he realizes what he said. He hadn’t intended on the big confession yet, but that doesn’t make his words any less true than they are. Face flushed to the tips of his ears, Jongin nods.

“Open it,” he encourages with a smile. The flush spreads to his chest as Luhan rips the black cover off the box and then tears the cardboard apart. Each second he wastes fighting with the packaging tape is a second his heart palpitates faster, harder, and then he holds his breath when Luhan finally pulls out the first of two gifts.

“This…” Luhan blinks owlishly, and his face goes blank. Jongin doesn’t know how to interpret the reaction.

“It’s. It’s, um, a packer. A soft one and there’s a hard one, too.” Jongin sees a flicker of something in Luhan’s eyes, something that looks like eagerness and sunshine, as he dives back in the box and pulls out the other half of his gift. He stares and stares at them both, teeth worrying into his bottom lip when he finally looks to Jongin with misty eyes and a fond smile.

Jongin clears his throat, swallowing the emotion that swells and threatens to choke him. “The, uh, the soft packer also acts as an STP. Kris said you already had an STP but it was one of those weird funnel things and—”

“Jongin.” Luhan’s voice drips thick like honey between the two of them, sweet and heady and Jongin feels warmth pool low in his stomach. “Do you want me to fuck you?”

_Oh._

Luhan slides open the hard packer and pulls it out, playing with the harness with a lascivious smile curling at his lips. The dildo is what Jongin hopes isn’t too big or too small, and he chose the most realistic one he could find—something that he hopes Luhan will feel comfortable with on his body.

Swallowing thick, Jongin nods. “I fingered myself once and came in about five seconds flat,” he admits, face warm. “So, yeah, if it makes you comfortable and happy, I’d like you to fuck me.” _If it helps you feel like a man again_ , goes unsaid.

Jongin and Luhan have had The Big Talk before. They’ve talked about Luhan’s body, about how he feels like it has betrayed him because part of it is still female while the rest of him is very male. It makes Jongin an idiot, to have forgotten that so easily and taken from that part of Luhan until he’d shaken the tender foundations of his psyche and gender identity.

Luhan doesn’t have any plans to get phalloplasty for a long, long time. The surgery itself is intensive and has an incredibly lengthy period of recovery. It is too much time that will interfere with EXO. That’s the last thing Luhan wants, and he’s even reluctantly admitted he doesn’t know if the end result will be satisfying for himself. He’s told Jongin, told Junmyeon and Kris, that the only reason he’s getting the hysterectomy is because it’s medically necessary, and SM Entertainment has been nothing but accommodating toward him.

Luhan smiles at his gifts and puts them back in the inconspicuous box they came in. “Okay,” he agrees, shoving it under the bed. “And...I love you, too, you big goof.”

He crawls into Jongin’s lap, hands on either side of his face to bring their mouths close for a kiss that sears Jongin’s every last nerve. He feels the burn of affection, of _love_ , leaving the most beautiful scars on his soul that he can’t wait to see.

Luhan presses Jongin back into his bed and curls against his side, one leg thrown over Jongin’s hips and head resting above his chest where he can hear the palpitations of his heartbeat echo. “Cuddle me,” he demands as adorably as he can manage, batting his eyelashes.

How can Jongin say no to him?

+

Jongin is kind of pathetic.

The amount of opportunities that have arisen and he has systematically turned down are, well—Jongin has somehow managed to turn them down. If his boyfriend doesn’t mind, he doesn’t show it. Instead he smiles and curls against Jongin’s smile like everything is peachy keen only not quite.

The thing is, Jongin has grown a case of cold feet. He’s hesitant and nervous, apprehensive of what being with Luhan like that would entail. Things between them are perfect the way they are, and he doesn’t want to perpetually ruin it all when things are going so well between them. They’re comfortable, they’re happy, and it’s familiar and _safe_. Maybe he’s just imagining it, but there’s a pressure on his shoulders to perform and be perfect that’s even more intense than the pre-performance jitters.

Jongin doesn’t think he’d be able to live with himself if he let Luhan down.

Of course, telling Luhan that just makes him throw his head back and laugh with his mouth wide open. Not the most attractive Jongin has ever seen him, but the crinkle of his eyes makes Jongin’s stomach flutter and is a balm for his surmounting anxiety.

“It’s okay, really,” Luhan says after his mirth has calmed. “To be honest, that was how I felt too, so I understand you. Don’t rush it, we can wait until you’re sure.”

Jongin sighs and buries his face in Luhan’s neck; he smells lovely with his new cologne. How the hell did he get so lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend?

Over the next several weeks when activities peak again, Luhan holds Jongin’s hand literally and figuratively through the next phase of their relationship. It’s obvious that Jongin is confused and uncertain and he hasn’t any idea where to go from where he stands, but Luhan leads him in the right direction with his typical smirk and smoldering gaze.

Luhan is best when he’s like this, in his natural element. He’s open and friendly and vivacious in all of the best ways, never afraid to reach for the wallflower and help them from the shadows and into the light without making them uncomfortable. He is a nurturer, and that’s why he goes so well with Jongin. They’re both so similar but different enough to keep each other entertained, to hold each other together when one of them stands shakily on broken stilts.

Jongin was the crutch for Luhan in the past, and now it is time for Luhan to hold Jongin up while he stumbles. It’s that feeling, that reliability they have in one another, that has Jongin deciding to fuck it all, if it doesn’t happen now, then it never will.

“Okay,” he says when he meanders into the living room where Luhan is with Junmyeon, Sehun, and Jongdae. They’re watching the latest comedy movie and Luhan is bursting with laughter, his head thrown back as he smacks his fist off Sehun’s thigh. The youngest of them all looks decidedly uncomfortable and pained by the action, and since Jongin thinks it would be hilarious, he jumps over the couch and drops himself across three laps with a pleased grin.

His ass lands in Luhan’s lap and he lets out a whoosh of breath that warms the back of Jongin’s neck, and his feet are in a glaring Jongdae’s face. “Gross,” Jongdae mutters when he shoves at Jongin’s feet, and Luhan deems it an appropriate time to shove Jongin onto the floor.

The four of them are chuckling and Junmyeon is fondly rolling his eyes upward, and the moment is so _normal_ that Jongin almost loses his nerve—he doesn't want to ruin such a picturesque moment.

“That wasn’t necessary,” Jongin huffs as he brushes off imaginary lint.

“Your face wasn't necessary,” Luhan retorts, a devious smile twisting at his lips.

“That's harsh.”

Jongin rolls his eyes and reaches to tug on Luhan's hand. “I'm bored,” he says. “I want you to come play with me.”

Okay, so that is not how he'd planned to tell Luhan he was ready to be fucked in the ass, but yeah, that works too.

Luhan arches an eyebrow at him, and retorts, “Why don't you just watch the movie with us?”

“I've missed like half of it now, there's no point.” Jongin grabs for his boyfriend's hand, and the thought that he's being clingy and obvious almost stops him short. Everyone except for Kris and Junmyeon think the two of them are just best friends, at least both Luhan and Jongin hope they do, because they both decided that was not something they were ready to tell just yet.

_“It's none of their business,” Luhan said with an indignant huff. Beside them on the bed, Kris gave both him and Jongin pointed looks._

_“Not right now, it's not. But if you guys fight and it starts to interrupt the dynamic we have as a group, then it becomes everyone's business. EXO is still K and M, and while we're together now, I worry for when we have to separate again. I'm not condemning you two or anything, but just...be smart, please?” Kris sighed and got up, hands on his hips. “I'm serious—EXO comes first. That's why I d—why I'm not...seeing anyone.”_

_Luhan raised an eyebrow at the slip but wisely chose not to say anything. Kris was the type of person that thought his words through before he said them, and the fact he'd slipped up spoke volumes._

_“EXO comes first, we understand_ duizhang _,” Jongin said, trademark grin in place._

_“That's all I ask.”_

Before Jongin has the chance to pull away from Luhan, his boyfriend tightens his grip and rolls his eyes with a smile that is somewhat coquettish, or maybe Jongin is already thinking with his dick. “Fine,” he pretends to be miffed. “I've been wanting to try out that new Campaign of Carnage DLC anyway.”

Sehun boos, but Junmyeon shuts him up and turns up the television a few decibels. “You know how those two are with their video games, let them enjoy the day off.”

That is as good as a dismissal gets. Luhan beams and pulls Jongin along after him, into their shared room where the door is quietly shut and locked.

“Something tells me by _play_ you didn't mean video games...” Luhan turns around as he speaks, and he's already got lust glowing in his eyes. It makes Jongin's knees weak and he finds himself swallowing and nodding.

“I just—I'm in the mood and I thought we could...give it a try a different way.”

Understanding shows on Luhan's face. “Me on top?” he asks, just to be certain.

Jongin nods again. “I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I—”

Luhan quiets him with a kiss, and Jongin finds himself sitting on the bed with his head tilted upward so they don't have to stop. He loves kissing Luhan too much, loves the kittenish way he flicks his tongue when he's trying to be especially coy. But, more than that, Luhan is a thorough kisser, he gives just as much as he takes and he takes like he is a man parched. It always makes his head spin, makes the world around them color with the rush of want through his system.

“Hi,” Jongin slurs, drunk on lust.

Luhan laughs and pushes him back on the bed. “Okay, lover boy,” he starts, “I'm going to go...prepare.”

Jongin's phone goes off with a message from Junmyeon, asking if he should take Jongdae and Sehun out if they need alone time.

Jongin tells him it's fine, he promises to be quiet but if Junmyeon really wants, he can just turn up the TV some more. After the message is sent he turns off his phone and throws it on the nightstand to his left, squirming as a ball of nerves forms in his gut. 

He remembers what it was like to be with Luhan, remembers how responsive he was and how much he'd loved having Jongin's dick inside of him. Luhan was always very enthusiastic about having sex, whether or not he was going down on Jongin or getting his ass fucked so hard he could still feel it the next day. It was that enthusiasm alone that had Jongin wanting to experience it for himself, wanting to feel what it would be like to be filled full of nothing but his beautiful boyfriend's cock.

Luhan is shy about putting on the strap-on and Jongin doesn't blame him, but he smiles as he helps him anyway. It's so different seeing him like this, with thick black straps around his beautiful thighs and a nice, hard cock jutting outward. After they get everything in place Luhan strokes it once, twice, and then the smile that curves at his mouth is both devious and content at once. Jongin's dick twitches to life in his pants.

“How do I look?” Luhan asks, tilting his head to the side. His teeth sink into his bottom lip as he gives Jongin a smoldering gaze.

“Sexy,” Jongin rasps out, his voice a low purr from his chest.

Luhan's cheeks blush pink, but he still manages to be the most gorgeous, sexist thing Jongin has ever seen.

“Fuck, Han, can I—I want—“ Jongin's words escape as his whole face flushes with embarrassment. It's so different, to be at Luhan's mercy and how one look has completely shattered his mind. He wants to taste and touch and give Luhan something worth remembering, but he can't seem to find the words to ask.

“Do you want to suck my cock?” Luhan asks, and he practically _glows_. He looks so bright and lovely that Jongin can only nod and lean forward, tongue out.

Luhan is eager and excited and Jongin just wants to please him. He's always wanted to please Luhan, but this is so much different than what they're usually doing. It's like a switch has been flipped inside of him, and no matter how hard his cock is and if he's dripping on the bed already, all he wants to do is keep Luhan happy.

So Jongin hasn't had that much experience with sucking another dick before, but he remembers how Luhan likes to do it—eager and sloppy like he's in love with Jongin's cock (and probably is)—and tries to mimic that as he slides the first couple of inches in his mouth.

The silicon doesn't taste like anything in particular but it takes to saliva much better than he expected, and Jongin soon has a rhythm he's comfortable with. He takes as much of Luhan in as he can, until he's pressing at his gag reflex, and then draws back before going down again. Luhan is content to watch, eyes hooded and glazed thick with lust. He rolls his hips in short, considerate motions and a small moan spills from his lips.

“Jongin...baby, you look so wonderful with my cock in your mouth,” Luhan says, and his voice sends shivers down Jongin's spine.

Luhan decides he's had enough and pulls back from Jongin's mouth, his lovely spit-slicked and swollen mouth, and leans down to kiss him. It's dirty and filthy and wonderful and Luhan doesn't think he could ever want anything more from his amazing boyfriend.

“Thank you,” he murmurs against the corner of Jongin's mouth before pulling back.

Together, they shift and ease onto the bed until they find a position that is comfortable to them, Luhan rubbing himself against Jongin as he eases his legs wide apart. “Here,” he says and coaxes Jongin into lifting his hips so he can slide a pillow under them. It helps, he knows this from experience.

Jongin is nervous but Luhan has been in his position before and knows how to lead him, grasping for the lubricant and condoms in their nightstand. He shifts to make himself more comfortable, drizzling the slick substance onto his fingers, before he reaches down to prod at Jongin's furled opening. His eyes widen with surprise when he meets little resistance as an impossible warmth swallows his the first finger.

“You prepared?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

Jongin feels himself blush from the tips of his ears to his chest as humiliation settles. He nods.

“Did you—”

“Yeah.” Jongin goes a couple of shades darker and feels like a tomato. “I just—I want this to be perfect.”

Luhan smiles as he kisses him. “Thank you,” he says. “You didn't have to, but thank you.”

A second finger follows, and soon a third. Jongin's pleasure bubbles up inside of him, slowly but with a strength that has his toes curling and his back arching. Luhan had always had lovely hands, and with one buried four fingers into him and another lazily fisting at his cock, he is done for. Jongin is never going to be able to look at Luhan or his pretty hands and long fingers without remembering this moment and the blissful torture he's endured.

Luhan's devious mouth isn't helping anything either, with the way that his lips curl in satisfaction with every sound he brings forth from Jongin's throat with each swipe of his hot tongue over a peaked nipple, over a sensitive collarbone, or teeth pressing down into into soft skin to leave him with reminders of this very moment.

“Luhan, please, just do it already,” Jongin whimpers, “I'm gonna fucking bust before you're even done.”

“Sensitive?” Luhan teases.

“A little,” Jongin replies smartly, lips twisting downward into a frown when his boyfriend removes his fingers and sets about ripping the condom wrapper off and sliding it on his cock. He thinks about telling Luhan that he doesn't need to do that, but bites his tongue. Luhan _needs_ this, just like Jongin needs him.

The two of them have to shift a little bit to make themselves comfortably fit together, and soon Luhan is easing the tip of his cock into Jongin. His brows furrow and his mouth opens into a small o of both surprise and pleasure, the breath in his lungs leaving in a long, low gasp as he is filled to the brim. Is this what Luhan feels each time Jongin bends him in half and fucks into him? It's pleasure through and through, but it's a different kind of pleasure his body isn't used to. He couldn't explain it if he tried, he just knows that he can feel it rushing through him like a ravenous monster, consuming all until nothing is left.

"Let me hear you," Luhan whispers, shifting so that his arms are on either side of Jongin's head. His gaze is earnest and desperate and _vulnerable._ His cock isn't real, he isn't able to feel the same carnal bliss that Jongin is even with his hips flush against the curve of Jongin’s ass. Instead all he has are phantom memories to chase, remembering what it had been like for him in this position but unable to feel the way he wants to. He can't feel the slickness of lubricant easing the glide of skin on skin, can't feel how tight and warm it is inside of Jongin. He wants to, so so bad but he can't and it’s damn near frustrating.

Jongin lets out another gasp of breath, tongue peeking out to wet his suddenly too dry mouth. "Feels so good, Han," he slurs. "Feel so full and wonderful."

"Good," Luhan murmurs, and his hips roll forward experimentally. It takes him a few times to get the movement just right before he's fucking deep and slow into Jongin.

"Just—just like that. Yeah." Jongin's eyes flutter shut, and then a hot white burst of pleasure goes through him and he can't stop the embarrassing noise that escapes him. Luhan tatters above him, a short airy sound that Jongin doesn't even have the capacity to think and feel ashamed for. It just feels so good, so wonderful, and he just wants to lose himself in the sensations.

Until now, Jongin has never been a vocal person during sex. He would moan and tease Luhan appropriately, but now he is unable to shut himself up. He tells Luhan everything, tells him how good it feels when Luhan’s cock rubs against his prostate, how wonderful it is to be caged beneath him and his warmth. But most of all he tells Luhan how lovely he is, how much he appreciates him and how much he deserves to be happy.

All too soon orgasm builds up inside of Jongin until his body is paralyzed from the force of it. Warmth spreads through him and all of his muscles go lax, and he melts into the bed with a deep sigh. It's one of the most intense orgasms he has ever had, and it's just not fair that Luhan pulls out of him and leaves him so empty when his skin is still tingling.

Luhan kisses him, deep and fierce and desperate as he throws away the used condom. "Jongin, baby, come back to me," he whispers as his mouth travels to kiss and nibble just beneath the shell of his ear. "Surely you're not going to just leave me hanging like this?"

Jongin laughs and sits up, maneuvering Luhan until he is lying on his back. His skin is red from where the black straps have rubbed at him, and Jongin licks long stripes along the inside of his thighs to soothe away the burn. He finds the bottle of lubricant to his left and sloppily slicks his fingers and pressing two into Luhan's cute little ass.

"Fuck!" Luhan smothers his cries into another nearby pillow and grates his hips downward to meet Jongin’s insistent fingers. The two of them have done this often enough that Jongin knows exactly how to work at Luhan's body, and it doesn't take long until he's shuddering through his own orgasm.

Luhan is utterly boneless when Jongin removes his fingers, chest flushed and heaving. He looks so beautiful that Jongin can't help but kiss him as his fingers work to loosen the straps and ease it off of him. Luhan is lazy as he kisses back and manages to sigh.

"We should clean up," he mumbles as his tongue slides into Jongin's mouth.

"Ugh, don't wanna," Jongin says. Luhan laughs and pushes at his chest, finding the energy to get off the bed and reach for clothes.

"I'm gross," Luhan complains. "I'm gonna go get a shower."

Jongin contemplates joining him but decides against it since he assumes the others are still in the dorm. Instead he lies back with his hands folded under his head, a smile securely in place.

Maybe it's the post-sex bliss, but for the first time in a long time, Jongin is _happy_. He is living the dream he'd always had as a child, a famous idol to inspire and lead the next generation. It is far from perfect, but he never expected to be anyway. He never expected to meet eleven different wonderful people, one of which would compliment him in ways he's still trying to wrap his head around. Luhan is beautiful and full of secrets, secrets that he has been kind enough to share with Jongin. It is that kindness that Jongin is dedicated to returning.

Luhan deserves it.


End file.
